i really want to give up.

how can i bear this for 3 more times?

obssessed with this game at orisinal.
it's called bugs.

no it's not scary.
if you're thinking of bugs as in the creepy crawlers.

instead it's full of multi-coloured lady buggies.
oooh i love lady buggies, they're soooo cute!

^ soooo cute right?

i see those cutie lady buggies and i'll squeal in delight.
even the little girl looks so cute. her smiley face when she jumps.
my antidote for the stress from the last paper.

go play it here.

a break from my recluse.
but i needed to blog this out.
lest it takes a toll on my studying mentality.

it's crazy.
especially at this point in time.
to have an argument with mummy.
over the same old issue of being direction-less.

and in a fit of anger, i told mum that this is not what i want to do.
that i'm merely following their wishes.
and that they've been putting a lot of invisible stress on me.
me being their only daughter and to share the fiancial burden in the future.

as expected, mum retaliated with a lot of rebukes.
including one that hurt so much.
she said that i was the one who made the choice.
i could have disregard their wishes and went along with my ideals.
it was my fault and not theirs.

i probably hurt her earlier by my insensitive proclamations.
which is why it provoked such a huge backlash from her.
so i can't blame her even though it broke my heart.

maybe i'm being selfish.
trying to force my ideals all the time.
maybe they're also being selfish.
by wanting me to follow whatever they hope for.

it's hard to accept but mum's right.
the choice is made. by me.
so i have to go through it.

but perhaps, what i really need and want from such exchanges are,
words of comfort.
words of encouragement.
a caring front.
so that at least it can further my self conviction.

that i'm doing the right thing.

1 day more.
:)

one last post before i become a temporary recluse.

some photos dating from few days and weeks back.

well it's not "adios, alex" anymore but "welcome back!"
though i loved the gathering that day because it's been ages since i saw some of them. especially mel who gave us a shocking relevation^^

and this one's the last time i'll see becky until next year. *sobs
taking a break from exams was shiok.
as i expected, harry potter 4 didn't thrill me much.

gee i just realised i wore the same top.
either i like the top too much or an indication of not enough clothes.
hmmm the latter sounds like a good reason to justify retail therapy :)


the reason for my reclusion is simple.
the laptop, once switched on is a permanent distraction.
my last paper is of utmost importance so i decided to excercise some self-control here.
besides, i'll be better off not seeing all the elated MSN nicks.
("i'm a free bird", "finally over" etc)

4 days more.
:)

this is so frustrating.

i just accidentally spilled water over my notes.
notes that i wrote with an ink pen.
notes that i painstakingly spent over 12 hours watching webcasts.
notes that smudged like shit.

fucking irritating.
how much worse can it get?

i had meant to blog about the happier stuff recently.
which i totally lost the mood to do so now.

i don't even wanna talk about today's paper.
i'm starting to get nightmares about getting the crappy results like last year.
and i'm not even talking about getting As.
i just wish to maintain my CAP of 3.3, so is that really difficult?

once again my mood's down in the pits.
it sucks when you put in effort and in the end it turns out like crap.
that's why i'll rather not put in the effort in the first place.
so at least you don't get this shitty feeling in the aftermath.

and tv just had to remind me about how aimless i am.
how i landed up in NUS majoring in life sciences in a blur.
how i admire people with ambitions in life.
or at least when asked about their career choice, they can give an answer.
it's definitely better than someone who merely shrugs it off.

i'm tired.
not just of the exams but of life in general.
is wanting a purpose-driven life very idealistic?
or am i not the only one feeling this way too?

i really don't know anymore.

random picture.



my beloved mr bean bear.
looking desolate and lonely.
against the green of the wall.

me: "don't worry mr bearie. i'll have time for you when my exams are done."
bear: *silent*

i was right.
today's paper is utter crap.
thank god i s/u-ed it.
and i was smart enough not to pay it too much attention.

after monday, i will have more breathing space.
right now i need sleep.
and my daily dosage of JCNET.
(why is the server down?)

ok enough procastination.
back to my stats.

i can do this.

11 days more.
:)

finally gotten my act together.

i actually sat down the entire day to study.
call it a miracle or what, but i'm proud of myself.
i just hope it doesn't end up being a one-day wonder.

me to mental self: "perseverance is king!"

13 days more.
:)

rant #1

why is Jay having an autograph session in Malaysia and not here too?
argh why why why?
we're separated by a mere bridge and just a 6-hour drive away.
why doesn't he come to fulfil my wish?
i can even forsake my exams.
WHY??? *in agony

rant #2

why do i lack self-discipline?
i don't have any motivating factor to push myself to study.
every 10 mins or so, my eyes wander off to my laptop.
at this rate, i'm gonna suffer from yet another anxiety attack on the eve of each exam day.

and all i can think about now is why Jay isn't coming to Singapore to hold an autograph session.

i can only describe myself in one word.
deranged.

wahahaha.
i'm not crazy but check out this incredulous exam format.

3 sections (30 minutes each)

1st section
out of 10 questions, choose 3.
(10 minutes for each question)

2nd section
one question.
(30 minutes)

1 hour into the exam, you'll have to watch an anime.
(lasts ~30 minutes)

3rd section
one question about analysing the anime.
(30 minutes)

watching an anime during an exam?
LOL.
i'm seriously rendered speechless by the lecturer.
i guess my lab partner will probably have something to say about this.

starting my first exam with a bang.
rather looking forward to it :)

the past week was suffocating.
to the point that regular work only officially ended on sunday morning.
and i broke my record of staying in school to finish up.

can say i'm kinda disorientated.
haven't sat down and properly do work yet.
when my first exam starts this saturday.

my exam timetable
19 nov - JS2213 popular culture in contemporary japan
21 nov - ST2238 introductory biostatistics
26 nov - LSM2104 essential bioinformatics and biocomputing
30 nov - LSM2103 cell biology

looks really short compared to ntu students.
i'm thankful for this sem's arrangements.
though there was a 'lil sacrifice for taking one non-examinable module.
it drove me nuts during regular term.

enough about examinations and the other morbid stuff.

i'm so proud to extend my congratulations to:

Mr. Jay Chou
2005 Golden Horse Awards Best Newcomer

well i'm happy for him but not particularly happy myself.
not gonna launch into reasoning in case i bore everyone to death.
ask me if you're interested to know.

i'm trying not to whine but i can't wait for the holidays.

looking forward to:
- watching harry potter on 23 nov.
- JCNET bbq on 2 dec.
- lapping up good reads.
- swimming!
- KTV.
- anime/VCD/DVD marathon.
- playing FFVII.
- time with friends.
- overdued retail therapy.
- time with family.

16 days more.
:)

yay.
today's the day for November Chopin collection.
*whoops around in joy

well i actually didn't wanna blog about this.
but because it happened twice in succession.
so my tolerance level has been breached.

so how should i start?
last friday was at NUS central library
and using the linc catalogue machine,
when this black guy came over and started talking.
he basically spoke so fast i couldn't catch him,
i thought he was reprimanding me for hogging the machine.
turns out he was doing a self-intro and now asking for my name.
got stunned a bit but i ignored him after telling him.
"i see joyce doesn't wanna talk to me"
i dunno why in the world i said sorry to the above line.
he proceeded to walk away. phew.

yesterday's case was a lot more dangerous.
got up the upper deck of the number 10 bus,
and this old uncle turned around to stare at me.
i thought it was nothing until he ran over and sat next to me,
claiming that i look like his niece.
he then proceeded to ask me truckloads of questions,
and lied about getting off the bus soon.
so i stupidly told him i was going to school.
he went down in shenton way so i thought phew i'm safe.
turns out he only went to the lower deck and he came up again.
and now he's going to the same place as me (the last stop!)

omg.
he kept trying to ask for my number and name,
through a number of means.
the most ridiculous one was trying to introduce his son to me.
"my son's very handsome and tall. you give me your number and i'll intro to you.
i'm sure you will like him a lot." *puke
"you give me your number. i'll buy a new handphone for you." *puke

"give me your number in case you need my help."
haha and to this i replied,
"you could help me now if you let me go sit elsewhere."
rendered speechless and kept saying sorry.
he didn't do much actually.
beside the harassing, he kept inching closer to me.
and whenever he does that, i'll fidget so he'll move away.
and say sorry again. *rolls eye

before he got off at haw par villa,
he passed me a slip of paper with his mobile number.
obviously i didn't take it.
but thinking it through now, perhaps i should.
so i can call him back using a public phone
and threaten him. hahahaha.

well anyways, i've learnt my lesson.
i will always sit on the outside next time.
but i'm wondering.
why am i so unlucky to attract such people?