a break from my recluse.
but i needed to blog this out.
lest it takes a toll on my studying mentality.

it's crazy.
especially at this point in time.
to have an argument with mummy.
over the same old issue of being direction-less.

and in a fit of anger, i told mum that this is not what i want to do.
that i'm merely following their wishes.
and that they've been putting a lot of invisible stress on me.
me being their only daughter and to share the fiancial burden in the future.

as expected, mum retaliated with a lot of rebukes.
including one that hurt so much.
she said that i was the one who made the choice.
i could have disregard their wishes and went along with my ideals.
it was my fault and not theirs.

i probably hurt her earlier by my insensitive proclamations.
which is why it provoked such a huge backlash from her.
so i can't blame her even though it broke my heart.

maybe i'm being selfish.
trying to force my ideals all the time.
maybe they're also being selfish.
by wanting me to follow whatever they hope for.

it's hard to accept but mum's right.
the choice is made. by me.
so i have to go through it.

but perhaps, what i really need and want from such exchanges are,
words of comfort.
words of encouragement.
a caring front.
so that at least it can further my self conviction.

that i'm doing the right thing.

1 day more.
:)